178 lines
7.9 KiB
Python
178 lines
7.9 KiB
Python
#!/usr/bin/python3
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# -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
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"""
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tfw.py - the fucking weather module
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author: mutantmonkey <mutantmonkey@mutantmonkey.in>
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"""
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from tools import GrumbleError
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from modules import weather
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import random
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import metar
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import web
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def tfw(phenny, input, fahrenheit=False, celsius=False):
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""".tfw <city/zip> - Show the fucking weather at the specified location."""
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where = input.group(2)
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if not where:
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# default to Blacksburg, VA
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icao_code = "KBCB"
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else:
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icao_code = weather.code(phenny, where)
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if not icao_code:
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phenny.say("WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT? Try another location.")
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return
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uri = 'http://weather.noaa.gov/pub/data/observations/metar/stations/%s.TXT'
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try:
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bytes = web.get(uri % icao_code)
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except AttributeError:
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raise GrumbleError("THE INTERNET IS FUCKING BROKEN. Please try again later.")
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except web.HTTPError:
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phenny.say("WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT? Try another location.")
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return
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if 'Not Found' in bytes:
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phenny.say("WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT? Try another location.")
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return
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w = metar.parse(bytes)
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tempf = w.temperature * 9 / 5 + 32
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# add units and convert if necessary
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if fahrenheit:
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temp = "{0:d}°F‽".format(int(tempf))
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elif celsius:
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temp = "{0:d}°C‽".format(w.temperature)
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else:
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tempev = (w.temperature + 273.15) * 8.617343e-5 * 1000
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temp = "%f meV‽" % tempev
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if w.temperature < 6:
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remark = "IT'S FUCKING COLD"
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flavors = ["Where's the cat? Oh shit. Fluffy's frozen.",
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"Nothing a few shots couldn't fix",
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"Should have gone south",
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"You think this is cold? Have you been to upstate New York?",
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"Why do I live here?", "wang icicles.",
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"Freezing my balls off out here", "Fuck this place.",
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"GREAT! If you're a penguin.", "Fresh off the tap.",
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"Fantastic do-nothing weather.",
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"Put on some fucking socks.", "Blue balls x 2",
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"Good news, food won't spoil nearly as fast outside. Bad news, who cares?",
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"Really?", "Wear a fucking jacket.",
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"I hear Siberia is the same this time of year.",
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"NOT FUCKING JOGGING WEATHER", "Shrinkage's best friend.",
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"Warmer than Hoth.", "Good baby making weather.",
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"Where's a Tauntaun when you need one?",
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"My nipples could cut glass", "Global Warming? Bullshit.",
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"Call your local travel agency and ask them if they're serious.",
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"Freezing my balls off IN here",
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"I'm not sure how you can stand it", "I'm sorry.",
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"Even penguins are wearing jackets.",
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"Keep track of your local old people.",
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"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT'S NICER IN ALASKA?",
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"Sock warmers are go. Everywhere.",
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"Why does my car feel like a pair of ice skates?",
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"Actually, a sharp-stick in the eye might not all be that bad right now.",
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"THO Season.", "It's a tit-bit nipplie.",
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"Anything wooden will make a good fireplace. Thank us later.",
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"MOVE THE FUCK ON GOLDILOCKS",
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"I'm defrosting inside of my freezer.",
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"It's time for a vacation.",
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"It's bone chilling cold out. Sorry ladies."]
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elif w.temperature < 20:
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remark = "IT'S FUCKING...ALRIGHT"
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flavors = ["Might as well rain, I'm not going out in that.",
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"Better than a sharp stick in the eye.",
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"Everything's nice butter weather!",
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"At least you aren't living in a small town in Alaska",
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"It could be worse.", "FUCKING NOTHING TO SEE HERE",
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"Listen, weather. We need to have a talk.",
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"OH NO. THE WEATHER MACHINE IS BROKEN.",
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"An Eskimo would beat your ass to be here",
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"Where life is mediocre",
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"Can't complain about today, but I want to!",
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"Maybe inviting the inlaws over will improve today.",
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"Let's go to the beach! In three months when it's nice again...",
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"From inside it looks nice out.", "WHAT THE FUCK EVER",
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"I love keeping the heat on for this long.",
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"Inside or outside? Either way it's still today.",
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"It's either only going to get better or worse from here!",
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"If it's raining cats and dogs, hope you're not a pet person.",
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"Today makes warm showers way nicer.",
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"Here's to making your blankets feel useful.",
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"I've seen better days",
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"Compared to how awful it's been this is great!",
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"If we go running maybe we won't notice.",
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"Is that the sun outside? Why isn't it doing anything?",
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"Well, at least we're not in prison.",
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"Slap me around and call me Sally. It'd be an improvement.",
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"Today is the perfect size, really honey.",
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"Maybe Jersey Shore is on tonight."]
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else:
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remark = "IT'S FUCKING NICE"
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flavors = ["I made today breakfast in bed.", "FUCKING SWEET",
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"Quit your bitching", "Enjoy.", "IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME",
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"READ A FUCKIN' BOOK", "LETS HAVE A FUCKING PICNIC",
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"It is safe to take your ball-mittens off.", "More please.",
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"uh, can we trade?", "WOO, Spring Break!",
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"I can't believe it's not porn!", "I approve of this message!",
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"Operation beach volleyball is go.", "Plucky ducky kinda day.",
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"Today called just to say \"Hi.\"",
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"STOP AND SMELL THE FUCKING ROSES",
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"FUCKING NOTHING WRONG WITH TODAY", "LETS HAVE A FUCKING SOIREE",
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"What would you do for a holyshititsniceout bar?",
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"There are no rules today, blow shit up!",
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"Celebrate Today's Day and buy your Today a present so it knows you care.",
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"I feel bad about playing on my computer all day.",
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"Party in the woods.", "It is now safe to leave your home.",
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"PUT A FUCKING CAPE ON TODAY, BECAUSE IT'S SUPER",
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"Today is like \"ice\" if it started with an \"n\". Fuck you, we don't mean nce.",
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"Water park! Water drive! Just get wet!",
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"The geese are on their way back! Unless you live where they migrate to for the winter.",
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"FUCKING AFFABLE AS SHIT", "Give the sun a raise!",
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"Today is better than an original holographic charizard. Loser!"]
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if w.descriptor == "thunderstorm":
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remark += " AND THUNDERING"
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elif w.precipitation in ("snow", "snow grains"):
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remark += " AND SNOWING"
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elif w.precipitation in ("drizzle", "rain", "unknown precipitation"):
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remark += " AND WET"
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elif w.precipitation in ("ice crystals", "ice pellets"):
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remark += " AND ICY"
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elif w.precipitation in ("hail", "small hail"):
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remark += " AND HAILING"
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if tempf == 69:
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remark = "IT'S FUCKING SEXY TIME"
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flavors = ["Why is 77 better than 69? You get eight more.",
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"What comes after 69? Mouthwash.",
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"If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.",
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"a good fuckin' time! ;)",
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"What's the square root of 69? Eight something."]
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flavor = random.choice(flavors)
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response = "{temp} {remark} - {flavor} - {location} {time}Z".format(
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temp=temp, remark=remark, flavor=flavor, location=w.station,
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time=w.time.strftime("%H:%M"))
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phenny.say(response)
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tfw.rule = (['tfw'], r'(.*)')
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def tfwf(phenny, input):
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""".tfwf <city/zip> - The fucking weather, in fucking degrees Fahrenheit."""
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return tfw(phenny, input, fahrenheit=True)
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tfwf.rule = (['tfwf'], r'(.*)')
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def tfwc(phenny, input):
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""".tfwc <city/zip> - The fucking weather, in fucking degrees celsius."""
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return tfw(phenny, input, celsius=True)
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tfwc.rule = (['tfwc'], r'(.*)')
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if __name__ == '__main__':
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print(__doc__.strip())
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