phenny/modules/tfw.py

#!/usr/bin/python3
# -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
"""
tfw.py - the fucking weather module
mostly remarks and flavors from thefuckingweather.com
http://thefuckingweather.com/HelpThisGuy.aspx

author: mutantmonkey <mutantmonkey@mutantmonkey.in>
"""

from tools import GrumbleError
from modules import weather
import random
import metar
import web


def tfw(phenny, input, fahrenheit=False, celsius=False, mev=False):
    """.tfw <city/zip> - Show the fucking weather at the specified location."""

    where = input.group(2)
    if not where:
        # default to Blacksburg, VA
        icao_code = "KBCB"
    else:
        icao_code = weather.code(phenny, where)

    if not icao_code:
        phenny.say("WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT? I guess you might think it's a place, but no one else does. Try again.")
        return

    uri = 'http://tgftp.nws.noaa.gov/data/observations/metar/stations/%s.TXT'
    try:
        bytes = web.get(uri % icao_code)
    except AttributeError:
        raise GrumbleError("THE INTERNET IS FUCKING BROKEN. Please try again later.")
    except web.HTTPError:
        phenny.say("WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT? I guess you might think it's a place, but no one else does. Try again.")
        return

    if 'Not Found' in bytes:
        phenny.say("WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT? I guess you might think it's a place, but no one else does. Try again.")
        return

    w = metar.parse(bytes)
    tempf = w.temperature * 9 / 5 + 32

    # add units and convert if necessary
    if fahrenheit:
        temp = "{0:d}°F‽".format(int(tempf))
    elif celsius:
        temp = "{0:d}°C‽".format(w.temperature)
    else:
        tempev = (w.temperature + 273.15) * 8.6173324e-5 / 2
        if mev:
            temp = "{0:f} meV‽".format(tempev * 1000)
        else:
            temp = "{0:f} Meters‽".format(tempev * 12.39842)

    if w.temperature < 6:
        remark = "IT'S FUCKING COLD"
        flavors = [
            "Where's the cat? Oh shit. Fluffy's frozen.",
            "Nothing a few shots couldn't fix",
            "Should have gone south",
            "You think this is cold? Have you been to upstate New York?",
            "Why do I live here?",
            "wang icicles.",
            "Freezing my balls off out here",
            "Fuck this place.",
            "GREAT! If you're a penguin.",
            "Fresh off the tap.",
            "Fantastic do-nothing weather.",
            "Put on some fucking socks.",
            "Blue balls x 2",
            "Good news, food won't spoil nearly as fast outside. Bad news, who cares?",
            "Really?",
            "Wear a fucking jacket.",
            "I hear Siberia is the same this time of year.",
            "NOT FUCKING JOGGING WEATHER",
            "Shrinkage's best friend.",
            "Warmer than Hoth.",
            "Good baby making weather.",
            "Where's a Tauntaun when you need one?",
            "My nipples could cut glass",
            "Global Warming? Bullshit.",
            "Call your local travel agency and ask them if they're serious.",
            "Freezing my balls off IN here",
            "I'm not sure how you can stand it",
            "I'm sorry.",
            "Even penguins are wearing jackets.",
            "Keep track of your local old people.",
            "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT'S NICER IN ALASKA?",
            "Sock warmers are go. Everywhere.",
            "Why does my car feel like a pair of ice skates?",
            "Actually, a sharp-stick in the eye might not all be that bad right now.",
            "THO Season.",
            "It's a tit-bit nipplie.",
            "Anything wooden will make a good fireplace. Thank us later.",
            "MOVE THE FUCK ON GOLDILOCKS",
            "I'm defrosting inside of my freezer.",
            "It's time for a vacation.",
            "It's bone chilling cold out. Sorry ladies."
            ]
    elif w.temperature < 20:
        remark = "IT'S FUCKING...ALRIGHT"
        flavors = [
            "Might as well rain, I'm not going out in that.",
            "Better than a sharp stick in the eye.",
            "Everything's nice butter weather!",
            "At least you aren't living in a small town in Alaska",
            "It could be worse.",
            "FUCKING NOTHING TO SEE HERE",
            "Listen, weather. We need to have a talk.",
            "OH NO. THE WEATHER MACHINE IS BROKEN.",
            "An Eskimo would beat your ass to be here",
            "Where life is mediocre",
            "Can't complain about today, but I want to!",
            "Maybe inviting the inlaws over will improve today.",
            "Let's go to the beach! In three months when it's nice again...",
            "From inside it looks nice out.", "WHAT THE FUCK EVER",
            "I love keeping the heat on for this long.",
            "Inside or outside? Either way it's still today.",
            "It's either only going to get better or worse from here!",
            "If it's raining cats and dogs, hope you're not a pet person.",
            "Today makes warm showers way nicer.",
            "Here's to making your blankets feel useful.",
            "I've seen better days",
            "Compared to how awful it's been this is great!",
            "If we go running maybe we won't notice.",
            "Is that the sun outside? Why isn't it doing anything?",
            "Well, at least we're not in prison.",
            "Slap me around and call me Sally. It'd be an improvement.",
            "Today is the perfect size, really honey.",
            "It's that kind of day where you want zip off pants, until you realize how much of a jackass you look like in them.",
            "Maybe Jersey Shore is on tonight.",
            "Praise \"Bob\"!",
            "Or kill me.",
            "This statement is false.",
            "Lies and slander, sire!"
            ]
    elif w.temperature < 27:
        remark = "IT'S FUCKING NICE"
        flavors = [
            "I made today breakfast in bed.",
            "FUCKING SWEET",
            "Quit your bitching",
            "Enjoy.",
            "IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME",
            "READ A FUCKIN' BOOK",
            "LETS HAVE A FUCKING PICNIC",
            "It is safe to take your ball-mittens off.",
            "More please.",
            "uh, can we trade?",
            "I approve of this message!",
            "WE WERE BEGINNING TO THINK YOU LOST YOUR MIND",
            "WOO, Spring Break!",
            "I can't believe it's not porn!",
            "I approve of this message!",
            "Operation beach volleyball is go.",
            "Plucky ducky kinda day.",
            "Today called just to say \"Hi.\"",
            "STOP AND SMELL THE FUCKING ROSES",
            "FUCKING NOTHING WRONG WITH TODAY",
            "LETS HAVE A FUCKING SOIREE",
            "What would you do for a holyshititsniceout bar?",
            "There are no rules today, blow shit up!",
            "Celebrate Today's Day and buy your Today a present so it knows you care.",
            "I feel bad about playing on my computer all day.",
            "Party in the woods.",
            "It is now safe to leave your home.",
            "PUT A FUCKING CAPE ON TODAY, BECAUSE IT'S SUPER",
            "Today is like \"ice\" if it started with an \"n\". Fuck you, we don't mean nce.",
            "Water park! Water drive! Just get wet!",
            "The geese are on their way back! Unless you live where they migrate to for the winter.",
            "FUCKING AFFABLE AS SHIT",
            "Give the sun a raise!",
            "Go outside and go cycling or some shit, you fitness nerd!",
            "Today is better than an original holographic Charizard. Loser!"
            ]
    else:
        remark = "IT'S FUCKING HOT"
        flavors = [
            "Do you have life insurance?",
            "Like super models, IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT.",
            "Not even PAM can make me not stick to this seat",
            "SWIMMIN HOLE!",
            "Time to crank the AC.",
            "THE FUCKING EQUATOR CALLED, AND IT'S JEALOUS.",
            "Looked in the fridge this morning for some eggs. They're already cooked.",
            "Keeping the AC business in business.",
            "I burned my feet walking on grass.",
            "times you wish you didn't have leather seats",
            "Isn't the desert nice this time of year?",
            "Why, oh why did we decide to live in an oven?",
            "It's hotter outside than my fever.",
            "TAKE IT OFF!",
            "TAKE FUCKING EVERYTHING OFF!",
            "EVEN THAT NEEDS TO COME OFF!",
            "Even your frigid girlfriend can't save you from today.",
            "I need gloves to touch the steering wheel.",
            "I can hear that power bill running up right now!",
            "Lock up yo' ice cream trucks, lock up yo' wife.",
            "FUCKING SUNBURNED, AND I WAS INSIDE ALL DAY.",
            "Fuck this shit, I'm moving back to Alaska."
            ]

    if w.descriptor == "thunderstorm":
        remark += " AND THUNDERING"
        flavors += [
            "Are you sure you want to go out in that? I'm not",
            "Fuck my ears!",
            "Don't go flying a kite. Unless you're Ben Franklin",
            "Did you think Eris would smile upon your failings?"
            ]
    elif w.precipitation in ("snow", "snow grains"):
        remark += " AND SNOWING"
        flavors += [
            "What's this white stuff that's sticking to everything?",
            "At least that stuff doesn't glow in the dark!",
            "How the fuck am I supposed to get around now?",
            "And you thought four-wheel-drive would help you!",
            "Go fight those cadets with snowballs",
            "Where does the white go when the snow melts?",
            "Just sNOw"
            ]
    elif w.precipitation in ("drizzle", "rain", "unknown precipitation"):
        remark += " AND WET"
        flavors += [
            "Just like your mom!",
            "I guess it can't get much worse",
            "Hope you have a rain coat",
            "Shower outside?",
            "If only more buildings had gargoyles..."
            ]
    elif w.precipitation in ("ice crystals", "ice pellets"):
        remark += " AND ICY"
        flavors += [
            "Nice, but without the N!",
            "Where's some NaCl when you need it?",
            "I hope your skates are nearby.",
            "Studded tyres? What're those?"
            ]
    elif w.precipitation in ("hail", "small hail"):
        remark += " AND HAILING"
        flavors += [
            "Windshield damage!",
            "Car alarms!",
            "Lie face-down outside: free massage!"
            ]

    if int(tempf) == 69:
        remark = "IT'S FUCKING SEXY TIME"
        flavors = [
            "Why is 77 better than 69? You get eight more.",
            "What comes after 69? Mouthwash.",
            "If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.",
            "a good fuckin' time! ;)",
            "What's the square root of 69? Eight something."
            ]

    flavor = random.choice(flavors)

    response = "{temp} {remark} - {flavor} - {location} {time}Z".format(
        temp=temp, remark=remark, flavor=flavor, location=w.station,
        time=w.time.strftime("%H:%M"))
    phenny.say(response)
tfw.rule = (['tfw', 'tfwm'], r'(.*)')


def tfwf(phenny, input):
    """.tfwf <city/zip> - The fucking weather, in fucking degrees Fahrenheit."""
    return tfw(phenny, input, fahrenheit=True)
tfwf.rule = (['tfwf'], r'(.*)')


def tfwc(phenny, input):
    """.tfwc <city/zip> - The fucking weather, in fucking degrees celsius."""
    return tfw(phenny, input, celsius=True)
tfwc.rule = (['tfwc'], r'(.*)')

def tfwev(phenny, input):
    """.tfwev <city/zip> - The fucking weather, in fucking electron volts."""
    return tfw(phenny, input, mev=True)
tfwev.rule = (['tfwev'], r'(.*)')

if __name__ == '__main__':
    print(__doc__.strip())